Family Harmony / Sibling relationships

Recently, a young mom wrote to our daughter, Rebekah, to ask her a question about family harmony. Rebekah wrote a reply that was a blessing to our hearts, and I hope was a help to this mom as well. I'd like to include this here in our Moms and More pages in hopes that it will be an encouragement to other moms who are looking for ways to teach family harmony and love between siblings.

The question:

 "What are some practical ways your Dad and Mom
encouraged you and your siblings to be best friends? I just have never seen
a family so close as yours. What an inspiration to young Christian
families on how to raise our young!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rebekah's reply:

 You asked "what are some practical ways that my parents taught us to be best friends with each other as siblings?" You know, thinking it over, I think the biggest thing was that they didn't just say it, but they modeled it in their marriage. So many couples say they love one another, but then the wife goes to have "girl time" with her friends and leave the kids with him. Then it is the husband's turn and he goes fishing, or hunting, or whatever it is that guys do with their buddies...and the two are never really each other's best friends. My parents, however, have always been each other's best friend. We have never seen them choose to be apart for any reason. Not only does my dad make my mom first place every day, he lets her KNOW that she is first place. That was a little side road, but I think one of the most important answers to your question!

 As far as relationships with my siblings go, my parents always taught us to love one another. Unkind words and actions were not allowed. There were a variety of different tactics used as punishment for violations of these rules, but the best one was the rod. ("The rod and reproof give wisdom..." Proverbs. 29:15) We also had a "Reminder to be Kinder" that my parents used for a while to remind us that unkind words are bitter. It was a spray bottle with an apple cider/vinegar combination that was sprayed into the mouth of anyone who said unkind words. Believe me, a few applications was all it took before we all began to watch for signs of an outburst and hurry to encourage our siblings to be careful before they said unkind words. That stuff was a terrible punishment not only for the one receiving the application, but also for everyone near them! It was so smelly! After a while, the "Reminder to be Kinder" faded into history and the rod returned to prompt our memories, so I think my parents must have decided that it was best after all.

Also, as we grew up we were allowed to have friends outside out family, but encouraged to never let those friendships become deeper or stronger than those with our own siblings. Sleep-overs were out completely, and they also didn't allow us to go over to other people's houses for birthday parties, or to play unless the whole family was invited. I can't emphasize enough how much this helped me in my relationship with my younger sister. I am a people person! I love having and making friends! So I was always very into making friends in our church and I always had one or two good friends that I would hang out with and talk with while at church. But my parents were always careful to see when I was becoming intimate with them to the exclusion of my sister. They would talk to me and encourage me to include her. This is something I struggled with for a long time, because I was not trying on purpose to exclude her...I was just having fun with my friends. It didn't dawn on me how it hurt my sister to see me having fun without her. Because she was quieter and more shy, and because there weren't always young people her age, she didn't always have friends at church. As I grew and matured, I had to work to make her feel loved and even give up some of my close relationships with my friends to focus on my relationship with her and make her feel first place. I remember as a teenager, at one point looking back over the long line of friends who had come and gone...and the one who was still with me, still loving me, and still there for me was my precious sister. All the others had been there for a season, but they left when they got tired of me or when other more exciting people came along. It hurt a lot when my friends would turn to someone else, but my sister was always there to understand and love me. I think this is why it is so important to make your siblings your best friends! If you take the time to nourish and build a godly relationship with them, they will be there for a lifetime!!

Another thing that comes to mind in answering your question is the importance of the role of the first born, and understanding all the tendencies of each child in the birth order. As the first born, this is something that my parents talked to me about at a very early age (probably not much older than your eight-year-old daughter). They explained to me that as the first born I had an amazing opportunity to have an influence on the lives of my younger siblings. They shared with me that God had built into our natural relationships some tendencies that could arise as challenges if not responded to with God's wisdom. There is a lot of information about this in the Basic Seminar textbook in case you are interested in contacting my parents and getting it. But basically, the first born has tendencies to be out-going, confident, and self-possessed. The second born will naturally be quieter, more withdrawn, and have a very strong desire to please and need for acceptance from the first born. The third born will commonly be more gregarious, and out going, and may have tendencies to veer off completely from following the first and second born. It has been amazing to see how everyone in our family fits into those categories so well. I am a first born, and my brother, David, also had first born tendencies due to the fact that he is first born son. Then my sister is third in line, but has strong second born tendencies because she is the second born daughter, and comes right after David who has first born tendencies. Jonathan is a second born all the way, though he is fourth in line. He is driven to succeed and has always thrived on attention and praise from David. After Jonathan, the cycle starts over again in our family, and Joseph is very like me with first born tendencies. Then Benjamin is a second born, and Joshua is a third born. It is very strange, and yet it all fits together. And knowing and understanding this has always helped me to see where each one is coming from, and what their particular needs are.

Another thing that brought us closer was our family ministry. Singing together has always been a way for us to lift our heart in unity and praise to the Lord. I have so many precious memories of practicing for hours on end, in the van, in our home, and singing anywhere and everywhere for anyone the Lord happened to bring across our path. As we grew older though, my three siblings closest to my age and I began to pray for a special ministry that we could share together. In answer to this prayer, God gave us a ministry in our neighborhood working with Hispanic children. We would walk over to pick them up for church, and also bring them to our house for Back Yard Bible Club type events where we taught them English using character qualities, songs, and Bible stories. It was through this ministry that my brother, David, became burdened for Spanish speaking people, and it was an amazing opportunity for us to learn and grow together. Together we shared the pain of a burden for the lost souls of our kids, and the joy of leading some of them to a personal relationship with Jesus. We shared tears, prayers, and laughter during those three years or so and through a common passion and a common love for those children, our love and understanding for each other grew even stronger. I will always consider that trailer park in NC our first mission field, as it was there that that we experienced together the joys and sorrows of sowing the precious seed and trusting God to bring the increase. 

Last but not least, my parents have always placed a huge emphasis on God's Word in the training of their children. Naturally this carried over into each area of our lives, including sibling relationships. In addition to helping us to memorize Scripture together from a very early age (they would start from birth quoting Scripture to us and we began quoting passages together with hand motions when we were 2 or 3 years old) we also had special passages that they would have us quote to one another when we needed a reminder of how God wanted us to treat each other. A few that come to mind off the top of my head are Proverbs 15:1, Proverbs 25:11 and Philippians 2:2-3. Another of our favorites is what we call "The Harmony Scripture" found in 1Peter 3:8-9: "Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another. Love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous; not rendering evil for evil or railing for railing, but contrary-wise, blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called that ye should inherit a blessing." There's something about looking each other in the eyes and quoting that passage that takes away the anger and hurt from a recent disagreement. Usually we would either end up laughing together if the argument was less serious, or crying and praying together when it was a deeper issue. 

This is stretching into a pretty lengthy reply to your simple question. I hope some of it helps, though, to give you an idea of how my parents encouraged us to be best friends. They always taught us the importance of loving one another; how to find true joy in humbling ourselves and serving one another, how to get along on our own without always running to them to tattle, and how to gain and keep a clear conscience. In our family, loving one another was not negotiable...it was an absolute necessity. We grew up understanding how essential family harmony was and is to our harmony when singing and ministering together as a family. I remember times when we would be driving to a revival or meeting where we were scheduled to sing and we would get there and not go into the church until we had prayed and gotten things right with one another. It didn't happen often, but I also remember times when Dad wouldn't let a certain member of the family stand up and sing with us because their heart attitude towards someone wasn't right and we didn't want them to hinder God's work as we sang and ministered. The few times that happened, that person sat on the pew while we stood and sang rather than stand up and sing with outward harmony but inwardly disunited.

Because of my parent's obedience to the Lord and willingness to take the road less traveled in raising their children, my siblings and I share a bond that remains unbreakable to this day even as we are miles apart and in different areas of the world. I can still say that they truly are my best friends. I am blessed now with a godly team here in Taiwan who loves the Lord and offers great support and fellowship as we serve together. I am thankful that God has given me friends like them. But no one will ever take the place that my siblings have in my heart. It is because my siblings are my best friends, and because of the lessons God has taught me in building relationships with them that I am now able to reach out and have a part in other's lives. I am so grateful for my parent's wisdom in guiding us, and so thankful to God for leading them as He has.